nonFictionality

When we encounter the unexpected, a story begins…

Archive for the tag “relationships”

28 Mar 2012
1 Comment

Students and Sex

Over the past few months I have had the opportunity to write on relationships for “Wilmington Faith and Values”.  I recently wrote this article and wanted to share it with you today.  As a youth leader, I feel as if it is something that needs to be addressed.  We need to show students a better story!

Students and Sex

I recently overheard a couple high school students talking about relationship struggles.  I’d heard the conversation many times before.  Somehow, in the midst of this conversation, they turned to me and wanted to know my opinion on the matter.  It caught me off guard and I waited a second before asking, “What do you think is the point of having a relationship in high school?”
Without missing a beat, the response was, “The sex!”
Those two words echoed in my heart like someone shouting in a cave.

THE SEX! The sex. the sex…

Media tells us that to be accepted in society you have to be in a relationship.  Media tells us that, to be cool you have to have sex in that relationship.
Media tells us that the more people you have sex with, the more successful you become.

The thing is, while you or I may be able to recognize all of these as empty lies, there is a generation accepting it as truth.
There is a generation okay with being lied to because it provides them with the sexual gratification that has been highly praised by their “role models” in the society.

But what do we do?
Do we turn the TV off and ignore the media?
Do we shut our children off from the world and not let them out of the house again until they are twenty-five?
Do we hand out cards saying that those who have sex before marriage are going to Hell?

No.

We shouldn’t do any of that.
We cannot ignore what is being displayed in the media.  Ignorance just welcomes naivety.
And we cannot try to scare students into Heaven by telling them that their mistakes are going to send them to Hell.

What we can do is show them a better story.
This means that we need to show them what life is like when you live it according to God’s design by giving them healthy examples of relationships and that we have to be healthy examples of relationships.  We have to teach them that their identity is not found in the relationships that society so often encourages, but that true identity is found in their Creator.  We have to ask hard questions.  It is our job to sit down and talk with them about their intentions in relationships and how they can approach dating and from a healthy perspective, the perspective that media rarely subscribes to.  We may have to have uncomfortable conversations, but they will be totally worth it if it means that they are being pulled out of the Darkness that society has cast upon their generation.
We have to run into that Darkness, grab their hand, and show them the strength, peace, and confidence that the Light provides.  We have to show them that God’s plan is better than anything they could ever dream or imagine.

-Josh

Thank you for taking the time to read! It really means a lot! Please feel free to leave a comment below, I’d love to hear your thoughts! Also, if you’d like to hear more of my thoughts on dating, life, leading youth, and beach living you can follow me on Twitter here.

Posted in Relationships and tagged , , , ,
22 Feb 2012
5 Comments

The stupid mistake I’ve made in writing to my future spouse…

Last week I shared with you a letter I wrote my future wife and got a lot of feedback.  Every once in a while, I like to share a letter like that with you.  And it seems like a lot of you write to your future spouses as well.  I think that’s great, and I love writing to my wife as well.  But, if I’m being honest, I don’t love it that much anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy thinking about what my future wife will be like.

I imagine her voice.

I imagine dates we will go on.

I run through scenarios of how I will one day ask her to be my wife.

I imagine all of the creative ideas she will come up with for my birthday and I sincerely hope she will catch on to the fact that I would hate a surprise party.

I’ve tried keeping a journal just for her.

I’ve prayed for her.

I say that I’m becoming the man that she has been dreaming of.

I’ve done all of that.

But, at some point not too long ago I realized that I have been stupid.  Wait a minute before you get defensive.  Because I’m not saying that those of you who write to your future spouse are stupid.  I’m not saying that those of you who daydream about what lies ahead of you are stupid.  I’m not saying that any of that is stupid, because I think it is awesome to think about your future spouse and to dream of the future.   All I’m saying is that I’ve been stupid.  I feel like that’s okay to admit.

I’ve been stupid in getting so distracted searching for and dreaming “the one”.  And it is so easy to do this.  It is so easy of me to dream about my one-day wife.  I can dream about our dates, our wedding, and our life.  But I can become so consumed in this that I put it as my sole focus.  When this happens, I begin to say, “I’m doing everything right now for her.”

That shouldn’t be the case. Ever.

It wasn’t long ago that I realized how flawed my thinking had become.  It wasn’t long ago that I realized that I had begun to place her on an altar.  The crazy thing it, I haven’t even met her yet!  I haven’t even met her and I already struggle with putting her in the place of God.  And, if you are not careful, I believe the same can happen to you.

It’s so hard not to think about all of these things all of the time, especially for a guy who would rather watch a romantic comedy than a horror film.  But, I think that, if we are going to be all that we are meant to be and if we are to embrace all that God has in store of us we have to do a few things.

  1. We have to put God first.  You may have heard this before.  And you may have brushed it off before.  But, it is important.  We have to seek God above all else and, when the time comes, “the one” will be there.  This does not excuse us from effort, but it does mean that we don’t have to be thinking about them all of the time.
  2. We have to find joy in the things around us.  I remind myself of this all of the time.  I have to tell myself that, while there is so much joy and happiness to be had down the road, there is joy to be embraced now!  I make it a goal every single day to embrace this joy.
  3. We have to thank God for all that He has given us.  I do this first in my prayer time.  From the small things to the big things, I thank God for it all.  I do this to remind myself that God has provided and is still providing.  So, before I ask Him for anything, I thank Him for all that He has given.  This has radically changed the time I spend with Jesus.  And it has been such a great change!
  4. We have to hang out with our friends.  This is important.  You’ve got to have friends.  Even now in a season of singleness, you need friends.  They will be there for you now when things get tough and when you celebrate.  They’ll be there when you start dating someone and even, and I hate to say this, when you break up with that someone who you thought was “the one”. Only to find out that they’re someone else’s “one” and that your “one” is still out there somewhere.

I know that those seem very simple.  But they are things that I’ve been learning that I wanted to share with you so that you won’t make the same mistake I did.  So, continue to write, continue to dream, continue to love.  Just don’t let your letters, your dreams, and your one day love take the place of God.

-Josh

Thank you again for reading.  It really means more than you know! I hope that all that God has revealed to me will help you.  Have an incredible (insert time of the day in which you are reading this)!

Posted in Relationships and tagged , ,
15 Feb 2012
12 Comments

Two Grains of Sand

I’m a romantic.  I’m not going to lie about it.  I try not to hide the fact, but, if you are just now tuning into the blog, it might just catch you by surprise that any guy in his right mind would ever be a romantic.  I cannot claim that I am in my right mind, but, as I said, I will not back down from calling myself a romantic. In being a romantic, I tend to think about my future wife and how totally awesome she will be.  And, sometimes, I write her letters.

Here is one of the aforementioned letters

To: My Future Wife

Sometimes when I close my eyes I think about you.  I think about the days we will share where the sun shines on down and lights up your hair.  I think about we will walk upon the shore and our feet will sink into the sand as the water envelops our feet and you grab tightly to my hand.  I think about the days when that same hand trembles out of stress and fear and how I want to hold you in my arms, comforting you with just a gentle whisper.  “God is your strength, my dear.”

I want to hold you there and pray for you and affirm in you all that God has created you to be.

I want to tell you every day that you are beautiful, and not just to me.

You are beautiful now, though I haven’t met you yet.

And you’ll be beautiful then, even after our years of friendship, love, marriage, and everything that comes with it.

 Today, you may have someone or you may not.  And that is fine with me.  Because on the day God brings us together, I’ll know somehow by the beating of my heart.

And when we walk where the land meets the sea, when we look out on that horizon and we talk of how God made the ocean deep, we’ll talk also of how God told Abraham how his descendants would be as many as the sand at our feet.  And how somehow, He created the two grains of sand that are you and me.

Until then, my dear, I bid you farewell.

 

-Your Future Husband

*I know that I’m not the only one out there that thinks about their future spouse.  So, today, I’d love to hear some of your thoughts and comments on the matter.  If you are single, what are you looking forward to most in marriage? And, if you are married, what’s the biggest thing that you have learned from/with your best friend?

 

 

 

Posted in Relationships and tagged , , ,
01 Feb 2012
5 Comments

What My Car Taught Me About Life and Faith

When I graduated from high school my parents surprised me with my first car, a 1997 Volkswagen Jetta gls.  It drove smoother than almost any other car I have ever driven.  And, better yet, it had a working sunroof, automatic windows, automatic locks, CD player, manual transmission, and speakers that, when turned all of the way up, could be heard from down the street.  It was three different shades of red, but they were the most perfect three shades of red that I had ever seen.  And it looked especially good with me in it and my girlfriend at the time beside of me.
I was proud.
Until I had to drop three hundred dollars into it to have a starter clutch replaced two weeks later.
Then I cursed.
Then, after having it for a month or so, it rained.  I found out that, when a coil on the bottom of the car got wet, the engine would shut off.  Thus, making my car un-driveable until this coil had completely dried.  Usually it would shut off in the middle of a busy road or a parking lot.  I would have to wait for up to two hours before it would begin working again, and then, whenever it did work again there was no guarantee that I would make it to my destination before it decided to cut off.
During those waits I would hit my steering wheel and curse.  And, when someone would come up and knock on my window to ask if everything was alright, I would be embarrassed and say that everything was fine so that they would go away.
One time my dad had to come help me push it out of the middle of one of the busiest roads in our town during a torrential downpour.  Not one of my proudest moments.  I think I cried.  Though it might have just been the rain in my eyes.
Slowly the perfection that this little ’97 Jetta once held, started to fade away.  Eventually, I couldn’t lock the doors because the alarm would go off for forty-five minutes when I unlocked it again.  When I would drive down the road my gas gauge would fluctuate so that I could never tell if I was empty or full, so I filled it up a little bit every few miles to avoid the embarrassment of walking down the road with the red gas can of shame.  Not only could I not tell how much gas I had, but I couldn’t tell how fast I was going either.  The speedometer stopped working.  And soon after it, the tachometer stopped reading. Eventually my girlfriend would make up excuses as to why we should drive her car instead of mine.  She’d try to lure me into driving her car with the new car smell, which eventually became a swift kick to my masculinity and pride.
It had fallen apart.
My car.
My life.
I look back and I see the clouds of that storm and the rains it brought with it.  I look back and I am amazed at what that little car is still teaching me.
Here is what I have learned:
It is okay to yell at God and hit the steering wheel every once in a while, He can handle my anger and frustration.  In the end, He is still going to love me.  He is going to forgive me for my tantrum.
The people that ask if I need help are people that actually care about my life and well being.  We can ignore these people all we want, but if they truly care about us they will always be there.  It is important to have these people around you, no matter how embarrassed you may be at your life.
There will always be storms, but that doesn’t mean that I always have to shut down when going through them.  I’ve realized that during a storm, I, unlike my car, have the choice to shut down or to push through the rain and wind out into the sunlight.  God still has a plan for me, even though I may not be able to see through the sheets of circumstances that I may currently be driving through.
If I am not confident in who I am and what my Father has given me, I do not need to be in any kind of dating relationship.  Sometimes, when you’re as stubborn as me, this lesson takes a long time to learn.  God has made me just how I am and He has given me everything I have because He loves me and because of that grand plan He promises for my life.  My identity is not found in another person or in worldly things, it is found in Him and Him alone.

I sincerely hope that the lessons I learned from my 1997 Jetta resonate with you in some way today.
I pray that, if you are driving through a storm today, that you remember who is in control.  He has a plan.
Continue driving, even though you can’t see the sunlight right now.  Don’t you dare stop!

And, as a favor I would like to ask you to take half a second out of your day and have a moment of silence for Clark, the Jetta. I would greatly appreciate it.  While he was the source of much frustration, he was a valiant steed.
Have a great day!
-Josh

Thank you again for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts on all of my vehicle mishaps and life lessons learned.  And if you have some lessons or mishaps to share of your own, I would love to hear those as well!

Posted in Relationships and tagged , , , ,
28 Dec 2011
7 Comments

What to do when your guy sucks…

Relationships are, perhaps, one of the most talked about things in our society today.  People talk about dreams of being in a relationship.  They talk about dreams while they are in a relationship.  And then, when they are out of a relationship, they start dreaming again of what the next relationship will be like.

A lot of times, it is frustrating.

It is frustrating to see how most people jump from relationship to relationship without gaining a sense of who they are as a person.  They lack a sense of identity if they are not with someone.  I’ve been one of those people, I have written about my experiences and revelations here.

It is frustrating to see people focus on a relationship above all else in life.  Their goal in life is not to live to the full potential that rests inside of them. It is to find a mate. And, whenever that one doesn’t pan out as expected and they’re left to fend for themselves again, they set off to find another one.

It is frustrating to see how the media has skewed the image of a healthy dating relationship.  Date. Fight. Break-up. Have steamy make-up sex. Repeat.  You think I’m kidding. I wish I was, but, sadly, I’m not.  It gets to the point where some people feel like giving up on relationships all together, because all they see when they look in the mirror is someone far from what the media has defined as desirable, confident, or sexy.  I spoke on this subject last week.  If you care to read more, you can read here.

The thing that has frustrated me over the past few weeks though is hearing and seeing girls who refuse to admit that the guy they are dating is sucking the life out of them.  So, I’ve decided to make a list of things to look for in your relationship and to give some tips to the guys on how to not suck so much.  If you find that these statements in some way describe the relationship you are currently in, I would advise you to have a nice sit down talk to work things out or get rid of him. Harsh? Yes. Needed? Completely.

Ladies, is he leading you in your walk with Christ, or are you the one leading?  Guys, are you letting her know that you are praying for her daily?  Do you initiate prayer before a meal?  Do you pray together?  Do you pray at all?  Or do you let her do all of the praying and encouraging?

Next.

Ladies, does he go out of his way to see you or let you know that he is thinking about you throughout the day?  I know that many people say that guys shouldn’t get too clingy, but I do think that it is important to let the girl you are pursuing/dating know that you are thinking about them.  It lets them know you care.  It is important for them to know that you think they are special.  You should think they are special and unique and beautiful enough to take the time out of your day to do this.  Some ways you might go about this are sending her a note, giving her a call, sending her a letter (even if you’re in the same city). A text is always good.  But a call is better.  Even if she can’t answer, leave her a voicemail.

Ladies, if he doesn’t let you know that he is thinking about you and he isn’t making you feel special, it may mean that he is only using you for the physical aspect of the relationship. Be on your guard.

Guys, buy her some flowers.  I know that it may be embarrassing to walk through a store carrying a bouquet of flowers, but hold your chin high!  Let people look at you and say what they will, but I guarantee you that when people see you with those flowers, they’ll know that you really care about the girl you’re buying them for.  They’ll be able to see it in the way you carry yourself.  So, get over the initial embarrassment. Walk with confidence. Be a man.

Ladies, and guys as well, if your parents, your best friend, those closest to you, the cashier at the grocery store, the barista at the coffee shop, and the random person on the street tell that the person you are dating is a complete jerk, LISTEN TO THEM! Stop ignoring all of the signs!!

I will leave you with one last thought, and I pray that you stop and really think about this.

If the relationship is a real priority to both parties, both will put the time and effort into it to make it work.  Not one of you is excluded in this. If you see that the other is not as committed to putting their time and effort in, cut the cord.

You don’t need them.

You deserve better than that. No arguing. It’s true.

And, while the subject of dating frustrates me to no end, I have seen the beauty and benefit of healthy dating relationships and what they can offer to those willing to take the time and effort to invest in a healthy relationship.

I’ve recently had the privilege of seeing friends in dating relationships take a new step into the new adventure of engagement.

I’ve watched as friends take vows of commitment to each other, turning the page and beginning a new chapter of marriage.

And, I’ve had the great privilege and honor of growing up and soaking in the beauty of what a healthy marriage looks like. To which I owe much thanks to my incredibly loving parents.

Don’t give up looking for a great relationship.  But, more importantly, don’t settle for a mediocre version of the incredible relationship that God has in store for you.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” -Ephesians 3:20

Good luck,

Josh

Thank you again, for taking the time to read.  I know that I don’t have the whole relationship thing figured out, but I do hope and pray that all I’ve learned through my experiences is something that can offer you guidance on your journey. Have a great day!

Posted in Relationships and tagged ,

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